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Two more days till we drive up north. The leaves are changing colors, it will be gorgeous. The air has suddenly turned crisp. The furnace is on. Pack sweaters!

Four more days till the wedding. It has been a wonder-filled, winsome time preparing my words to officiate. God always works a work in me first whenever I am called to do something.

On Saturday, after many weeks, and hours on that particular day, of working out how to best say what I believe marriage means, and offer a message of hope, I kind of lost it. After all, hadn’t I failed at marriage once? With my past, how could I possibly be worthy of this calling?

“I can’t do it,” I said to Todd, my second husband. Then I cried. “They’re going to need to find someone else to officiate.”

But I know now, that’s just a part of the process. I am a doubter. I doubt myself all the time. That’s why God gave me a Shield of Faith to fight off those fiery daggers. I just have to remember to use it.

But I also know, that it’s a part of who I am, or who I became, and that it can be a good thing. I used to be someone who pushed through regardless of the situation. I have learned that may not always be a good thing.

My first marriage became violent. I had to leave it in order to save my myself–in the physical, not the spiritual, sense. In order to save my son. That’s been hard to admit. Oh, the shame I have felt because of that. But God.

Sometimes we’re on the wrong path, we took a wrong turn somewhere, we listened to the wrong voices and ended up a little lost. Now when I find myself in that position, I have learned to stop, to look around, to look in, deeper in and listen.

I pushed through relationships that needed to end.

I pushed through situations I needed to get out of.

I pushed through life trying my hardest to fix things and people I had no business trying to fix.

So the good thing about doubting myself, is that I have learned to ask, ‘why?’ and to look inside. I have learned to look up, to see the beauty, and ask God why. And I have learned when you ask God why, God answers.

When I come to the end of myself, my abilities, my strength, I now know this is a good thing. ‘It’s all good,’ my late brother, Ed, used to say. He would also say, ‘You gotta have faith!’

I have learned that the worst thing that can possibly happen can be used by God, for the good of those who love him, and have been called according to his purpose in Christ.

When I came to understand that when I came to the end of myself and said “I can’t,” I learned. But God can. And I have also learned I am not worthy, but God is. And he is in me.

And that’s a beautiful thing to understand, and that’s why Ed could say, ‘It’s all good,’ and mean it. He knew, and now I know too.

The wedding is going to be a beautiful day for a beautiful bride. It’s going to be all she has hoped for. I am ready. I have faith. And I can’t wait.

And maybe this post was because Ed can’t wait either. Maybe he wanted my niece to know, he’s gonna be there…;) Just remember to look up!

I may be a doubter, but I am also a child of the King, And I know that God makes all things new.

Now I better start packing. It takes me a while.

They’re all gonna be there, Kels (even those who can’t be.) 🌻💛

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